


say you need it (when you don't)

by starfleetbanana



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Anorexia, Child Abuse, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorders, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 11:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8246672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: "The first time Adam Parrish skips a meal on purpose he’s ten years old. He’s ten years old and he’s nothing, he’s hurting and crying even though he doesn’t want to anymore. He’s never wanted to seem weak to people’s eyes, but he can’t help it". Also known as the AU where Adam Parrish has an eating disorder I desperately needed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so at least a week ago I saw there were no AUs where Adam Parrish has an eating disorder, can you believe? can you? So I've made it my personal mission to write something (because Adam Parrish TOTALLY has an eating disorder). I tried using a different format from like the rest of my writing given how this story goes through a lot of time, but I still don't know. I definitely enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoy as much as I did writing it. Also I've no idea how uni works anywhere else so there's that. 
> 
> Mentions of child abuse, and eating disorder stuff that might be triggering? This is all taken from personal experience so respect that, thanks.
> 
> *I just edited this because why are the numbers disappearing?

**i.**

The first time Adam Parrish skips a meal on purpose he’s ten years old. He’s ten years old and he’s nothing, he’s hurting and crying even though he doesn’t want to anymore. He’s never wanted to seem weak to people’s eyes, but he can’t help it.

His lip is split and, though he knows he’ll get beaten up again if he makes them waste food, he pretends he’s asleep. He’s ten years old and his father left him with a bloody mouth and bruised ribs because he had to do something to protect his mother even when she’d never do that for him. He feels like his bones are going to break and his body will shut down if he tries to move.

It becomes a silent fight against his father’s violence, a private rebellion to show them he can still have his own life and make his own decisions, to show them he’s stronger than Robert, whose weakness takes him to drink himself into unconsciousness, he’s stronger than his mother, who lets her husband break her nose for the third time. It’s survival, but that doesn’t make Robert Parrish stop.

When he wakes up he forgets his solemn cause and gives in under his mother’s worried look. He doesn’t get her, nor he wants to, but it hurts nevertheless. He takes the lunch he’s made for himself to school and hopes he’ll be safe for long enough to be able to breathe without feeling any pain. He isn’t, but the pain isn’t always caused by his father’s hands.

He doesn’t notice his hunger doesn’t feel natural to him, having physical needs doesn’t make sense to him and he’s used to neglecting his body because no one tells him to eat. Adam doesn’t know how to take care of himself but he knows he _wants_ to stay alive.

**ii.**

Adam Parrish is relentless. He’s strong and proud on the outside, weak and broken on the inside whenever he forces himself to hide what’s happened to him.

He’s twelve when he realises he’s not enough and he’ll never be. Still, he’s trying to get himself somewhere -Aglionby, Yale, anywhere but Henrietta-, instead of doing the same thing his twelve-year-old classmates do in their free time. He’s too busy trying to be something else, so much more than what he’s used to seeing that he doesn’t notice he’s supposed to be part of the group, he forgets he isn’t supposed to bring any attention to him otherwise there’ll be consequences.

He’s got a job and even though he doesn’t do much because he’s still learning, he’s happy it allows him to spend time somewhere else. He’s content because no one asks questions until he gets home as late as he can so he won’t find anyone awake.

His hands shake too much, he’s too clumsy and growing up awkwardly just like everyone else his age. But he knows there’s something else about him. He’s unlovable, destructive and worthless. He’s unmemorable and so fucking angry. He’s so angry it scares him.

He’s also twelve the first time he’s sick on the floor, too close to his father’s shoes, when he can’t breathe, his stomach clenches desperately and his muscles spasm on the floor as he struggles to breathe. His whole body screams for some kind of release. He knows Robert won’t stop hitting him, because he deserves it this time.

**iii.**

He doesn’t remember how old he is but he knows the first time he goes through a whole day without food he’s at his job. He’s been working for a while, he’s actually doing things by himself now and it means so much to feel independent. He knows he isn’t because he can’t leave his mother alone and it hurts deep inside, but he decides he can pretend to be someone else when his hands are oil stained and the metal in his hands becomes warm.

He’s hungry and on edge as his stomach grumbles during the day, but it gives him a rush, it makes him feel like he’s his own person and no one can hit him because he’s got a voice. He doesn’t talk a lot in his job, only to his boss, and when workmates ask questions they’re never about how tired he looks. His stomach hurts and he should feel weaker, but he feels so awake and alive it’s thrilling. The high he gets from it is way longer than the one he gets imagining punching his father.

He doesn’t get used to it though, because even if it feels better than anything he’s ever experienced, he thinks he doesn’t need it. If he became dependant on anything he’d be as much of a failure as his father was.

**iv.**

Adam’s an Aglionby student, a little bit different from the rest of the assholes he’s got for classmates, but he’s okay with that, he’s always been different. They’re scared of him because of the way he walks and looks with a new bruise on his face. He’s scared of them so he hides his accent and his personality, and washes his hands for at least ten minutes until it hurts so the oil stains will disappear from his fingernails.

Adam’s at Monmouth Manufacturing the first time he throws up on purpose. He doesn’t feel proud of himself for doing it because he’s no idea what’s going on in his head, the only things he knows is he absolutely hates it. Later he’s sure that he’ll never do it again, he’d rather starve himself than accept someone’s help, he’d rather stop eating than have to throw up again to get rid of the food he can’t keep inside because of his pride.

They’d gone to Nino’s and when he finishes he dries his tears and hates Gansey because he’d always pitied him, he’d always felt like he had to pay for everything when Adam was there and Ronan never stopped him.

They never seem to get it right and Adam feels stupid because no one really understands. He wants to pay because he can, because all his life he’d had to stay in that stupid trailer park crying himself to sleep until he learnt to ignore the pain. Now he finally has something and he _knows_ he doesn’t have anything to prove, but he wants to do it to prove something to himself, he deserves that.

He feels guilty, so guilty it burns a hole in his stomach, anxiety seeping through as he sits in the pig. The slice of pizza feels heavy in his stomach and he’s dizzy with worry. He can’t do it, he doesn’t know how to do it but then he’s retching and no one’s listening because they have their own lives, their own space.

Ronan and Gansey are allowed to be loud and exist and _eat_ because they were born in the right place. He knows Ronan’s mother loved him with her soul and his father too. He knows Gansey’s parents love him even though he’s not exactly who they wanted him to be. Adam isn’t allowed to do any of that, he’d never been.

**v.**

Blue’s the nicest person he’s ever met, not only because she’s actually amazing, but because she doesn’t treat him like anybody else. She becomes a part of their lives and though he really likes her, she makes him feel kind of worthless. She doesn’t need to prove herself, she doesn’t need three jobs and she doesn’t feel bad despite not being a psychic like the rest of her family.

Blue, just like him, wants to be something else, wants to go somewhere else, but she’s not ashamed of anything. She’s unapologetically herself and he admires her for that. Adam thinks he could’ve been just like Blue if his mother had tried harder, but it isn’t her fault, it’s only Adam’s for not being better.

They sit together in their kitchen while Blue talks about something she learnt in school and the guys she absolutely hates while Adam nods every thirty seconds to encourage her to keep talking.

Everyone in her family likes him and he’s used to them being a silent yet reassuring presence for him because he’s struggling so hard. He can’t say anything, though, no matter how many times the tarot cards tell Mara he’s hiding something that’ll eventually destroy him.

**vi.**

Their search for Glendower doesn’t leave him a bunch of time to worry about anything so the days pass by and nothing matters because he’s used to being like this. He’s exhausted and hurting all over, but he’s okay with it because next day won’t be better but at least Gansey, Noah, Ronan and Blue will be there with him for the hour he’s got between school and his afternoon shift. He knows he has a purpose when he’s with them, he’s doing something, trying harder than he’s ever tried.

Food’s never a problem. He knows he needs to eat in order to work and survive because he’s a fighter. He won’t give up, he won’t stop until he gets out of Henrietta even if it means leaving everyone behind. He wasn’t made for any of this, he isn’t fighting just to find a king, but if he does he’ll ask for redemption.

Those thoughts disappear as soon as Robert hits him. He can’t eat when his father hits him, he can’t look at food without getting nauseous. It’s too much of a reminder his parents don’t care about what he’s doing to himself, he thinks. But then something bigger than ever happens.

**vii.**

Chaos ensues whenever Ronan Lynch is there, it follows him just like his bird and he looks like he could burn you alive with his cool stare even though he isn’t older than Adam is. He feels like the only thing that can stop the world from being so unbearably unfair.

Ronan gets there, words full of venom and his touch is feather light despite the anger curling in his stomach, because he knows Adam’s never hurt this much. His words are quick and full of rage and protection, threatening, as much as this beautiful boy can be in his black BMW and with his raven perched on his shoulder. For a minute he’s glad he can’t listen to Ronan’s words because he can’t stand pity.

But Ronan feels everything but pity when he sees Adam. He wants to protect him not because he believes he’s unable to protect himself, but because he knows Adam doesn’t think he’s worth fighting for yet. He’s nothing until he’s destroying himself.

He forgets about food for at least two days and no one notices. He’s glad no one does because when he feels his stomach aching again it only makes him want to sink into Noah’s bed and disappear. Noah’s there next to him even though he can’t do anything, the boys are there for him when he decides he’s gonna fight for himself and face his father even if no one believes in him.

It takes him a while to get used to his deaf ear, but he learns to live with it as much as he learnt to live with scars, bruises and broken bones while he grew up. He still cries every single time, curled up on his mattress in St. Agnes when he feels alone and he knows hurting will be the only way to make it stop. However, he makes himself call Ronan knowing he won’t answer just for a hint of hope.

“What’s wrong with you, Parrish?” He asks when he picks up the phone and right then Adam knows his friends won’t fix him, because he doesn’t need to be fixed, but at least there’s something, someone he can fully trust with his secrets, because Ronan Lynch has as much secrets as he has.

**viii.**

Cabeswater owns his body and he owes it to Gansey because he knows his death will be his responsibility. He owes it to Blue because she’s been so much and she’s helped him understand he needs to change because the world isn’t as painful as he thinks it is. He owes it to Noah, because now he knows Gansey won’t make it, he can’t wish for him to be back, he can’t wish for him to take care of him and hug him and listen because Noah’s so special. Noah deserves to be alive and Adam doesn’t, because he won’t change the world.

Most importantly, he owes it to Ronan, who’s saved him a hundred times, first from his father and then from himself. Ronan’s got no expectations and he doesn’t make Adam remember how much he needs to be.

The forest gives him nightmares, his own horrors mixed with Ronan’s, memories of his mother crying and all the bruises he’d had in his entire life. His nightmares don’t compare with the corpse he saw in the trunk of the BMW, but now he’s learnt his pain means something even if it’s not the worst thing in the world.

He finally has an excuse to stop eating, he thinks. Whenever Gansey asks he explains he’s too busy, Noah doesn’t ask, he just offers him a yogurt whenever he’s there and says, “I can’t eat so you gotta eat for me” Adam smiles and swallows a spoonful of yogurt guiltily because Noah’s a reminder of his failures.

“Can we go back to ley lines, please?” Gansey asks and Adam nods because it’s an excuse to see Ronan roll his eyes and to forget he’s eating, that he needs to eat in order to help them and protect Gansey from the danger he’s turning into.

**ix.**

When he kisses Ronan, it feels like the emptiness within him has been filled with Ronan’s laughter. His hands, his lips, his tongue, everything about him is addicting and he sighs and moans and cries and it’s overwhelmingly wonderful. For the first time in his life he’s not afraid to feel in front of somebody else because now he knows Ronan has _so many things_ he can’t let out too.

Every part of him feels like it’s being set on fire by Ronan’s trembling hands and hot kisses.

His hunger suddenly goes away when Ronan’s on top of him, and he feels something unravel within him. It’s nothing to do with the way he feels, he’s sure he’s too into Ronan to regret it now. It’s nothing to do with his future, with Aglionby, with being alone in St. Agnes, saving every penny because he never knows if he’ll have enough to survive.

It’s everything to do with how he starves himself just to get a bit more money to spend on something else he might need even though he should have enough. It’s everything to do with the way his head hurts all day long and how he can’t sleep at night because he’s too awake because he’s hungry.

It’s true that he didn’t need his parents or anything that came with living with them, but when he wasn’t alone he’d eat knowing he had to be enough to keep himself fighting. Now he feels like he’s fought enough and he’s so close even if he doesn’t eat he’ll be okay because the school year will end, he’ll graduate and he’ll be okay.

**x.**

Adam graduates and his parents aren’t there, but Ronan and Blue are there to congratulate him and though he really wants to cry, he doesn’t.

He’s grateful for Ronan’s help and he’s proud of himself because a weight’s been lifted from his shoulders. He feels as if nothing could hurt him now, but he still can’t eat the slice of pizza Ronan offered him at Nino’s after graduation.

There’s too many emotions that day. He knows he has to get rid of his uniforms but that sweater he hates so much means a lot too, and he can’t let go, so Ronan decides to give him his, since he can’t care less. He knows it’s stupid but Ronan doesn’t judge him, he never will.

Gansey, Blue and Henry smile broadly. They’ll leave soon but that’s okay because he has Ronan now, and skype is really nice when you’re feeling lonely, though he’s sure he won’t have much free time at the Barns.

It’s hard, because when he was by himself he felt like he had permission to starve himself once in a while. His body didn’t change much because he’d always end up eating with his friends, but now there’s no school he ignores the noises his stomach makes and how his body feels floaty and unsteady.

He wants to eat, he really wants to share those domestic mornings with Ronan before he leaves for college but he can’t do it. He drinks cup of coffee after cup of coffee hoping Ronan won’t notice how tired he is and how he can’t sleep because the hunger makes his insides burn.

Ronan does notice, but he doesn’t say anything in hopes Adam knows what’s he’s doing now the forest has no longer control of him.

**xi.**

Ronan Lynch has never cared about anyone outside of his family enough to offer help, so when he finds Gansey it’s as if his entire world shifts because he’s got a friend, he’s got a home that helps him feel free and something to keep himself busy.

He’s got secrets too, but that’s okay because his father also had secrets. Noah and Adam have a lot of things they don’t talk about too, and he doesn’t expect them to ask anything either because no one’s the right to look too much into Ronan’s behaviour. Except Adam does.

Suddenly Adam seems to be his entire universe, though he has to recognise it isn’t sudden at all. These feelings have been growing for a while and he’s tried to make them disappear behind a steering wheel and loud music but fuck, he couldn’t do it.

He can’t help but notice everything Adam does, but he also knows what Adam doesn’t do. He hates accepting help from people because he thinks it’s pity, he hates people buying stuff for him because he’s never realised people can sincerely _want to_ give you things. Apparently, he doesn’t like eating, either.

It’s not that Adam Parrish doesn’t eat, he realises, it’s that Adam can’t do it consciously because it makes him uncomfortable. He’s okay if everyone around him is eating, it’s _fine_ if people ask him to eat because they’re worried, he’ll do it, but he can’t manage to do it for himself. It makes him feel like he’s stupid for wanting to take care of himself and Ronan wants to kiss that stupidity from him so he’ll start realising how much of an amazing thing he is.

Ronan has seen amazing, he’s created amazing in his dreams and brought things that he doesn’t even know how they appeared in his brain. The entire farm is unbelievable, but there’s something about Adam that makes him look magical, and it’s not even the fact he’s actually connected physically to Cabeswater, it’s more than that. Adam’s made of magic, an impossible boy, as impossible as Ronan Lynch is, but he’s real, and that means so much more than he thinks.

Ronan knows.

**xii.**

Adam Parrish is a Yale student the first time he weighs himself after noticing he looks like he’s put on weight. He’s never worried about the way he looks because none of that matters when you can pretend you’re better than that. The only effort he’s put into his appearance was at Aglionby when he had to put on the right clothes to stop people from staring at him, and when he saw Ronan, knowing that he didn’t really care about his appearance either because even when he looked like death Ronan whispered ‘you’re beautiful’ against the skin of his neck.

The scale says he’s lost quite a few pounds but he can’t see it. Now he’s no one to actually take care of him and make him eat, despite his good relationship with his roommate, studying is again his priority and though he can feel his body asking for food he can’t get himself to do anything about it. He wakes up during the night because of hunger pain and his roommate asks him to eat something because his stomach is _so fucking loud, man._ He blushes and gets up to have a bowl of cereal but he can’t finish it.

He’s lost exactly fifteen pounds and he can’t believe it because somehow he doesn’t look any different. He knows he’s tired and sometimes he’s cravings but he usually survives on vanilla flavoured coffee and cucumbers and baby carrots and celery. Quick, healthy snacks are his thing, but they don’t help him keep focused on classes and he’s _sure he has_ to change the way his brain works because he’s struggled so hard to be there and he simply can’t waste his money or time because he can’t get himself to eat. He cries sometimes.

Through his time there he’s learnt a bunch of things that aren’t exactly related to education. One of them being Ronan Lynch would do anything for him, he’s got a family now, which includes a boy who can dream things and make them real, a girl who’s made of magic and dreams, and a raven that’s also not quite real. But most importantly, he’s learnt Ronan will always pick up his phone when Adam’s name is on the screen.

“Can’t sleep, Ivy League?” Ronan says knowing it’s probably too late for Adam to be awake if he’s got class in the morning. He knows exactly why he can’t sleep, and though he’s not okay with it he’s been trying to find a way to make Adam feel more comfortable with eating and nothing’s worked.

“Can you get to the airport tomorrow at, like, five?” Adam asks, his voice broken and he’s ashamed and scared. He’s got to get himself through one more class and then his week’s finished, the only thing left would be his homework, but he’s done everything already and he knows Ronan won’t interrupt him if he feels like going through a chapter of a book he’s got to read.

“Okay, have breakfast before class” Adam laughs into the phone, feeling too weak to say anything else, but Ronan gets him talking as soon as he asks about his day and Adam has more things to talk about besides food.

Adam doesn’t have breakfast that morning and Ronan knows, so as soon as he finds him at the airport he hands him a protein bar and Adam takes half their way home to eat half of it. It’s the tiniest thing, but Ronan feels proud of him for not making any comment.

Ronan squeezes his thigh before getting out of the car, and Adam smiles. His legs are significantly smaller, his muscles weak, but Ronan doesn’t say anything.

**xiii.**

Adam’s body’s different from what Ronan remembers. It’s not such a big change since Adam was already skinny thanks to his inability to accept he also had needs.

His hands look too big on Adam’s stomach as he holds him down under his body and when Adam’s on top of him his sharp bones are all over his skin. It hurts Adam and he’s gonna bruise if he stays too long in that position. It amazes him how he still looks fierce with dark bags under his eyes.

He places his hand between Adam’s shoulder blades as he thrusts into him and feels his spine, feeling almost like if he scratches him he’ll break him. His fingers count Adam’s visible ribs when he finally falls asleep and he knows one weekend won’t be enough to make him understand how he needs to realise how much he means to this stupid world.

When he wakes up two hours later he kisses him dizzy, which isn’t hard considering he’s dizzy all the time since coffee isn’t exactly nutritive, but he takes the time to make sure Adam’s still the same magician he’s always known.

**xiv.**

“I wanna talk about it” Ronan says chewing on his lower lip the next morning. They’re still in bed and Adam’s too awake for it to be seven in the morning, but _he’s there, he’s there_ and that’s enough reassurance.

“I don’t know what this thing is, but it’s fine” Adam insists. He’s always fine, ever since Ronan met him, even when he was bleeding in Ronan’s car and recently deafened by his father. He was fine when he didn’t have enough time to sleep because of Cabeswater. Adam Parrish was _fine_ when he couldn’t save Gansey, he was okayokayokay.

“It’s not like you had to lose any more weight, you know?” Ronan asks quietly into the crook of his neck and he knows he’s kind of hiding from Adam’s expression but he also knows he’s strong enough to fight Adam’s stubbornness.

“I can’t eat, Ronan. It’s not like I’ve a lot of time to dwell on it, you know?” He answers as he runs his fingers through his hair. Ronan’s hands rest on his sunken stomach, hipbones prominent and his skin paler than usual, making Ronan’s skin look even darker against his.

Ronan’s fingers go lower, pressing them into Adam’s hipbones until he hisses. “Yeah? You could try though” Adam nods before he continues, “I could do stuff to help you if you want to”

“Don’t waste your time babe, I’m fine”

“Shut the fuck up, Parrish”

**xv.**

“Eat that shit, I looked up the recipe on Internet, it’s healthy” Ronan says on the phone after sending him a link of one of the easiest low calorie meals he found. He wouldn’t recognise he’d been spending his time looking for any way to help Adam, but Adam doesn’t need any kind of explanation, he knows it.

“It’s not about getting fat, babe. I just can’t eat a lot. It feels wrong” He sighs. Adam’s quite good at frustration, Ronan thinks, and he sucks at getting help so Ronan makes it his priority to make it better for him.

“’Kay, I’m gonna get there and you’re gonna eat and you’re gonna be healthy and kick ass” He says, so sure of himself it hurts a bit to remember he can’t change Adam.

“I can’t believe you’re encouraging me to eat” Adam says laughing into his hand. He can’t help but see it as the most mundane thing in the world even when his roommate glares at him. “Don’t leave Opal alone, and birds aren’t allowed here so you better call someone”.

**xvi.**

Ronan sits on the couch right next to Adam, frowning at the silent TV in front of them. Adam’s supposed to be studying but he can’t do it because Ronan’s there and he just wants to stare into his eyes until he tires of it. Ronan pretends to hate him for it, but when he looks at him there’s nothing but love in his eyes.

“You gonna eat that or what?” He asks looking at Adam’s hands, still holding a plate full of slices of apple with peanut butter. It’s one of the snacks Adam hates because it makes him feel heavy and full way too quickly but he’s trying hard to listen to his body. He knows being hungry’s supposed to mean something different than punishment. “Take your time, you obviously have forever, I mean it’s not like I’ve to leave soon and like you don’t have classes in an hour”

“Shut up, Lynch” Adam says, his feet on Ronan’s lap and Ronan’s fingers around his ankles, “Am I gonna have to do all of this by myself when you leave, though?” He asks smiling as he bites a slice of apple.

“You can call me if you want to, it’s not like I didn’t know you need me at all times” Adam rolls his eyes in response and Ronan blows a kiss.

Things aren’t fine with Adam, but all he needs is time and a hundred calls to Ronan.

**Author's Note:**

> Sincerely hope you enjoyed this. I wanted to make it longer and angstier but for some reason it was really hard to make it longer and when I read this after finishing it idk, it just felt right to finish it right there? I could write more because I always get too attached to eating disorder AUs, but yeah (come talk to me abt it @ ltjaylah on tumblr).
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos & comments are immensely appreciated as always. Have a nice week everybody!


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